Evil Checker Woman and Her Scanner Gun of Doom

October 22, 2011 § Leave a comment


I’d had a full day of running around with Hadley and Gabe. We ate lunch with Jen at Sorella’s and Hadley had one of her lovely poop explosions that destroys whole lives (and her outfit). I had a few errands to run afterwards and she was being a bear. So, we get to Costco and I just put her in her little carrier so she can be nestled on my chest. She rides there like an angel for our whole shopping fiasco.


Gabe has a publically shaming episode with Nutella whilst inside. I swear those ladies that give out samples are out to ruin me. By the time we reach the end of the aisle with the piece of Nutella toast, he looks like he’s ready to perform black face. It’s all over his hands and shirt.


I somehow manage to lift a 50lb bag of dog food, a case of beer, and a bucket of grapes onto our cart, all with my 4 month-old strapped to my chest. For like the first time ever, I have exactly what I came in to the evil store for. I’m so proud of myself and I am congratulating myself as I near the checkout.


Oh, but I failed to mention that Everyone And Their Mom was at Costco this Thursday in October. Not quite sure why, but the lines were wrapped around the building at the front (and there were, of course, only 2 checkers).


I can’t get in the self-check lines, which are completely empty, because even though I managed to finagle the dog food into my cart, there’s no way I can heave it on the scanner surface wearing a baby. I’m not that good.


All of a sudden, as though the heavens parted and God said “let me help ya out, sister-friend” (God has the voice of an older black woman–Maya Angelou?), a middle-aged woman who I will later refer to as Evil Incarnate starts waving people to the self-check lines with her scanner gun over her head, implying that she will scan your items and send you flying out the doors in a trail of dust.


Ah, but this was not to be.


An older couple with about 4 items was in front of me. I stood patiently behind as they got their crap scanned thanking God for the little, much appreciated hand up. Sometimes it’s the little favors, you know? As I step forward for my turn, Evil Incarnate stands to the side welcoming a DIFFERENT couple who JUST walked up from their shopping experience, to come to the next register and breeze them through.


WHAAAT THEE FUHHHH?! The first stage I went through was denial. She must not have seen me. I’m just wearing a baby with a 2 year-old Nutella creature and 3 items in my cart. The perfect candidate for her assistance. But maybe she has a wacky left eye and can’t see people directly in front of her.


Second stage is wrath. Wrath, I tell you! I decide she can take her little scanner gun and scan my ass as I walk to the other line. The line I will have to stand in until the end of TIME. That’ll really show her.


As I’m walking off an older gentleman comes behind me and, not realizing that I’ve already stood there and have decided to take a different path to exiting this HELL, he says “you were here first, please” gesturing to the self-check screen he finishes with “are you sure?” I walk confusedly and in a blind rage over to take my place in the never-ending line at the end of the store.


But then I get a little clarity, realizing that the only person I’m punishing is myself. I get behind the gentleman (looking like a complete idiot doing a little idiot circle) and decide my new strategy will be to grab that dog food and attempt to scan it with the sleeping infant on my front. Show everyone in the store how Evil Incarnate chose to ignore me. Display her shame for the world to see.


The gentleman in front of me can sense my wrath and says as he grabs his receipt, “I’m so sorry, you were in front of me.” I try to tell him that he has nothing to do with the rage written all over my face. I’m pretty sure he’s about to offer to help me when the scanner lady gets her head out of her ass and says “oh I’ll scan that. You’ve got your hands full, huh?”


“Oh gee, thanks” I say sarcastically as I set the dog food back in the cart. I’m thinking that maybe she’s just clueless, maybe not so very evil. My ears resume their normal function, the fumes that were previously pouring out beginning to dissipate. I grab my receipt to show at the door and make a hasty exit.


As I’m walking out the large double-doors and to my car, I’m waved across the street in front of a car that has graciously seen me trying to cross. As I clear the front of the car, a man hollers out, “I would’ve offered to help you lift your things!” and I realize it’s the kind older gentleman from the self-check line.


I shake my head, smiling as big as I can yelling “IT’S OKAY, NO PROBLEM!”


He’s driving off and I have no chance to tell him that it was that stupid scanner lady that caused the whole debacle. It makes me almost weep that the poor guy feels guilty about not one, but TWO incidents that, in his mind, were supposed acts of negligence to a helpless younger woman with two small children. Crap!


So let’s recap. This Evil Incarnate, head-in-her-ass, checker lady managed to make me feel invisible and fill me with blind rage, while simultaneously making a poor older man feel like he’d gravely wronged me. So HE feels bad for something that didn’t happen, I feel bad that he feels bad. EVERYBODY feels bad, except for that dumb woman and her stupid scanner gun.


I don’t know what the moral of this story is. I don’t think I could’ve been more self-controlled. Maybe it would have been better if I’d spoken up when she abandoned my self-check line to the couple who just walked up? (And who I failed to mention had a FREAKING CART FULL OF CRAP).


I just don’t know. I would really like to hear how the scanner lady thought things went down, but I suspect she wouldn’t know her elbow from her a**. I do feel better putting this horrendous incident into words. And if you’re out there, Nice Older Gentleman, I believe you would’ve helped me. Thank you for offering to let me go first even though I’d stepped out of line in a dumb act of self-punishment. I applaud you , and I wish it had all been different. God bless you, sir. And Evil Scanner Woman, good riddance to you.


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s

What’s this?

You are currently reading Evil Checker Woman and Her Scanner Gun of Doom at The Blog of Heather.


%d bloggers like this: